It was a hot summer thus far and Joe was helping me work on my aunt’s house. After all, with everything he had taught me… things that helped me make my way in life a bit easier, letting him stick around wasn’t a bad thing. That is… until this last lesson.
Joe and I were sitting on the front porch, taking a break from building a retaining wall when, out of the blue…
“Baker, you ever thought of being in business for yourself … in a serious way?” Joe asked. “You know, you’ve got some really good construction skills.” He added.
“I had a business about 10 years ago, Joe. Actually… it wasn’t my business, but I was at a high-level and paid handsomely. Then some things happened and things went down hill… south you might say.”
“Things like the housing crash?” He asked.
“Well, there was that, but my problem was a woman that accused me of some bad things and then left me.”
“What did she accuse you of? If you don’t mind my asking.”
I sat there looking at Joe for a moment, knowing that if I said anything, I was likely going to be learning some kind of lesson. My thoughts now were… am I ready to hear the message?
Before I spoke, I thought heavily about the consequences. Then…
“I don’t think I brought this up when we were working through the compromise of my integrity Joe, but I struck a woman. Well… at least, that’s what she said I did.”
“Did you?” Joe asked.
There was a long silence from me and I’m sure it told Joe what he might have already suspected. To try and make myself not be such a bad guy, I prefaced my words…
“It was a time that I was under a lot of pressure and I may have snapped. I didn’t hit her hard, but it was apparently hard enough for her to press charges.”
“What happened then?”
“Well, this town, as you know, word gets out. People know you and make judgments real quick. Before too long, my bosses were taking work out from under me and actually promoted a few guys ahead of me… guys with less experience.”
“That made you mad, didn’t it?” Joe stated more than asked..
“Well yeah it made me mad. She started ruining my career that I worked my ass off for. I had apologized to the woman and she came back after I promised it wouldn’t happen again.”
“It happened again, didn’t it.” Joe stated as a fact.
“You don’t see her around do you?”
“Is she the first woman you snapped at? The first you hit or verbally abused?”
Again, my silence was thicker than the summer heat.
Joe got up off the porch, stood on the grass and called me over.
“Come here for a moment, I want to introduce you to someone.”
I wasn’t sure I was going to like this, but I got off the porch and faced Joe on the grass.
With lightning speed, his cupped hand came across the side of my head and I felt like I had been hit by a wrecking ball.
“Holy crap Joe!”
As I regained my footing, Joe walloped the other side of my head with his cupped left hand. Unfortunately, for him, I wasn’t going to stand there and take a third swat, so I did what was needed and attacked Joe in a fit of rage.
With each and every swing, I hit nothing but air and got another hard slap across my face. Finally, I went all in and charged at Joe.
Joe, side-stepped my advance and, within seconds, I was on the ground and could barely move. Joe had his legs wrapped around my torso and his feet keeping my legs from the ability to move. He had my arms tied up and as I wiggled this way and that, trying to cut myself loose, he casually asked…
“Who are you fighting right now?”
I was sure my face was beet red as I yelled out what I was going to do to him. Then. my right arm got free and my flailing hand slapped Joe’s face.
“I’m going to kick your ass, you mother fucker!” I screamed.
Joe proceeded to lock my free arm back up and asked again…
“Who are you fighting?”
“You, mother fucker! I’m fighting you! And I’m going to kick your ass when I get loose.”
“Who are you fighting?” Joe asked. “You’re not fighting me. Do you know how I know you’re not fighting me? Because I’m not fighting you… you’re not fighting Joe.”
I was running out of breath and was way overheated when Joe let me loose. I got up, took a breath and charged at him. I took him to the ground and started swinging with everything I had left in me.
Joe, with a couple of slick, decisive moves, had dodged each of my punches and within seconds, he had me in another locked hold, but this time, my neck was restricted. I’d seen this before in the UFC fights and knew I was not in a good way.
“Who are you fighting?” Joe asked one last time.
Since I had no answer, Joe squeezed tighter and tighter. I could feel myself losing all consciousness. Joe then let up just enough for me to breathe and asked… “Who?”
“You!” I screamed as I could tell I was frothing at the mouth.
“Who is, You?” He asked.
I was silent. I was too busy trying to breathe when he told me…
“Baker, everything is going to go dark. When you wake, I want you to lay here and think before you move. Okay?”
I wasn’t agreeing to his terms but, within seconds, it was weird… all light was going down to the size of a pinhead, then…
… It seemed like I had taken an extremely long nap. When I woke, Joe was sitting on the grass near me. I closed my eyes and lay there thinking about the light disappearing. It was like my life when I was rightly accused. I was so angry at the world, at myself, at my bosses, at everyone, that I snapped all too often.
Laying there, I realized Joe was asking who I was fighting and me snapping at others was a communication that I was angry at myself. I wasn’t fighting Joe. I was fighting my anger. Joe brought my anger out, he triggered me, and I reacted. He knew I wasn’t fighting him, I was fighting the trigger. I didn’t want to admit I had things that could trigger me. Hell… I didn’t really even know that I had triggers.
Now the biggest fight of my life was going to start.
“Somewhere along the line of your life, you likely saw someone act out when they were angry, when they were triggered. You stored this action as a way to handle life when it doesn’t agree with you. It even sometimes seems easier to handle things by lashing out at others because they unknowingly triggered you. You now have the opportunity to look at what triggers you to anger… to lash out as a form of communication.”
Looking at Joe… “I got choked out. Just like my job… I was choked out. While I was passing out, from your choke-hold, the correlation was, to say the least… dark and chilling.”
“Who were you fighting?” Joe asked again.
I paused a moment… I was fighting the trigger. Anger is a sign I’ve been triggered.
“So what do you need to do next?” Joe asked.
“I need to examine the triggers. Every time I get angry, I’ll know I was just triggered, so it’s the best time to analyze what the trigger was.”
Joe smiled… “Very good.” Joe stood up and lent a hand to help me to my feet. “Triggers come from people who don’t always know they are triggering you. Give me an example of a trigger not associated to you.”
I walked to the seat on the porch and had to sit down, thinking.
“I was at a store and saw a parent snap at their child once. I guess the child had done something that the parent may have gotten in trouble for when they were a child… by their parent.”
“It’s a vicious cycle.” Joe stated. “Why did you hit the girl, Baker?”
I stopped and took some serious time to really think about it. Could it be? No… I looked at Joe.
“In one instance, my girlfriend… with no fault of her own… she was being my mother. My mother never let me be a man. As a kid, I was smothered and didn’t even know it.
Joe smiled… “Welcome to the trigger established on millions of fatherless boys with mothers that never knew they were sabotaging their sons.”
“Joe, you couldn’t have shared this with me without the fight?”
“That wasn’t a fight, Baker. Your life was never in danger… but you, unfortunately, had to feel the pain. So I ask… Who were you fighting?”
I smiled… “Myself.”
“And how do you end the fight?” Joe asked.
“Recognize when I’ve been triggered and analyze where and when in my life I dealt with that issue previously.”
“Now what can you do to make life better?”
I thought for a moment the best actions to take, then… “Don’t apologize for my actions, but be able to clearly see them and explain them.”
I thought a bit more and… “I want to make some calls and though I know being apologetic doesn’t go far, maybe it’s a start.
The End
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